This month I continue with the part that we left pending last month, “expressing anger.” It is one of the most disturbing topics. What to do with it and how to express it.
Express anger?
This is a very complex process where we need to take our time, proceed slowly, think carefully before speaking, breathe deeply and keep silent.
Anger is the emotion that increases in intensity at a faster speed and when you realize it you are trapped by it. It is a brutal disconnection between my most rational abilities and my body, reactions and impulses.
Some time ago I talked about what it was like to become alienated from life , to disconnect from it. The way we have learned to express anger is a very common way for this to happen. Almost no one has seen anger expressed without blaming, reproaching or holding other people responsible for their angry discomfort.
This does not mean that it cannot be expressed in another way that is much more aligned and connected to life. I’m not talking about submission, or repression, or about not expressing all the intensity that rage brings with it. But to channel its strength to take care of what matters to us.
Steps to express anger, both mine and when helping someone else do it:
1 | Stop and breathe.
2 | Identify thoughts that contain judgment.
It’s about staying aware of the violent thoughts that arise without judging them, just observing them and letting them happen until they go away. This will allow me space to look at the feelings and needs behind it. Practice translating each judgment into an unmet need.
3 | Connect with your own needs.
Peculiarity of the dance of rage, it is the only one where the order of the tracks is altered, being necessary to first go through the needs so that it helps us connect with true feelings (because rage is a superficial feeling very close to the trials ).
Anger and “shoulds” are glued together. So, to distill the deepest feelings we need to go through the sieve of need. By going through the need first, it is easier for true feelings to come out later.
4 | Express one’s own feelings and unmet needs.
In general, feelings that often appear within very great anger are helplessness, hopelessness, desperation or an unbearable sadness that burns. Many people live with very great anger.
Following all these steps is not easy, I admit. In the trainings I give I usually clarify this. It is always possible to express anger in another way, although I recognize that it is not always possible for me.
The more I practice, the more intention and the more attention to learning after not achieving it, the more times I achieve it.
And expressing it in a way connected to life does not mean that it is not something intense to experience for myself and for those close to me. There may also be shouting, fussing and a lot of tension, but no one is to blame. This changes everything, it is what we call in Non-Violent Communication (NVC) “giraffe cry”.
The giraffe cry
Screaming like a giraffe is screaming without violence?
✅ Express my pain openly, without blaming, making our deep pain visible? and others, even though they are having a hard time, may also listen to my need.
✅ It’s not about shouting, what are you doing??, or anything that suggests that something about the other person is wrong. Is it about shouting without violence to draw attention to my desperation? and my needs at that moment.
✅ If, despite this, the other person is very stimulated and cannot listen to me or leave me alone, do I always have the option of leaving? to give myself time and see ways to get empathy elsewhere to help me come back with the ability to address the situation ??.
